


lucky

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Humor, M/M, mpreg mockery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-09
Updated: 2008-11-09
Packaged: 2019-02-03 15:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12750759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: The one where Shige is most definitely not pregnant.





	lucky

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

Shige understands that he’s a little accident prone. Clumsy, ungraceful, most likely to trip over his own feet or absolutely nothing at all. He’s constantly preoccupied, thinking about his next test or memorizing his parts or avoiding Koyama’s over-affection.

It’s a little unnerving to fall in the door and have five people rush to his side, frantically asking him if he’s okay and helping him up.

For a second, Shige thinks that his bandmates have been replaced by alien clones. Just for a second, because really, that’s absurd.

“Shige has to be careful,” Tegoshi says slowly, except that he’s speaking to Shige’s stomach. “He should pay attention to where he’s going!”

“Tegoshi?” Shige inquires, eyeing the youngest member more oddly than normal. “Why are you talking to my-”

“SHIGE!” Koyama flails, shoving a bottle in his face. “Shige should take these pills, okay? They will keep you from getting so disoriented.”

Shige blinks. There’s no wrapper on the bottle and Koyama is no doctor. “I don’t think that’s such a good-”

Koyama’s lip trembles and his eyes sparkle with moisture. “But I want Shige to be healthy.”

“Okay, okay,” Shige gives in, popping two of the pills and making a face as they go down. Anything but Viagra, he begs silently.

“Have you eaten yet?” Massu asks next, demanding Shige’s attention by shoving food in his face. “I got two this morning so that I could share with Shige!”

“That’s very… uncharacteristic,” Shige comments, wondering if the world turned upside-down while he was sleeping. “Thanks?”

“Shige needs to eat!” Massu declares with his blinding grin. “I made you a big bento too!”

“I need some fresh air,” Shige says suddenly, turning right around and going outside. No sooner had he lit up than Yamapi was in his face, snatching the cigarette right out of his mouth and smoking it himself. “What the hell-”

“It’s bad for the baby,” Yamapi tells him seriously. “So is second-hand, so go inside.”

“ _What_ baby?” Shige asks, gesturing around them. “There are no babies in Johnny’s!”

“The one in your belly, cha,” Yamapi says, poking Shige’s stomach for effect. “Don’t worry, we will all help support you in your time of need.”

Shige honestly cannot think of any kind of coherent response to this. Instead, he turns on his heel once again and returns to the practice room.

Koyama immediately guides him to the couch. “How’s your back? Does your back hurt? My sister’s back always hurt and her husband would rub it for her. But since you don’t have one of those, I’ll do it.”

The only thing stopping Shige from going ballistic is Koyama’s hands on his shoulders, because Koyama gives really good backrubs and it makes Shige want to let them believe what they want just to keep getting them.

Just then, Shige’s stomach starts to hurt. “Koyama, what did you give me?”

“Pre-natals, of course,” Koyama answers. “My sister had some left over.”

“They’re three years old?” Shige gasps incredulously. “I think you poisoned me.”

“It’s just morning sickness,” Koyama says dismissively. “It’ll go away.”

“Now Fetus-chan,” Tegoshi says firmly, pointing a finger at Shige’s stomach. “Stop making your mommy hurt. He’s taking good care of you until you become born.”

Shige makes a face. “Exactly where do you think this thing is coming out?”

Koyama pats his back. “Let’s not worry about that right now.”

“Way to point out that I’ve gained a few pounds,” Shige mutters under his breath, cursing his luck and the collective stupidity of everyone around him.

“It’s only natural,” Koyama says. “The fatter the mommy, the healthier the baby!”

“That’s where I come in,” Massu says happily. “But you have to be active, too, so I’ve come up with a workout plan that is safe for mommies-to-be.”

“Are you sure?” Koyama asks worriedly. “If his jogs, his belly will bounce up and down and that can’t be good, can it?”

“It’s okay,” Massu assures him. “Don’t worry.”

“So…” Ryo speaks up from across the room, and everyone turns to look at him. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

He’s staring at Shige, a mixture between a nasty glare and a hurt look. “Tell you what?” Shige responds, although he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know.

Ryo rolls his eyes. “Typical.”

“No, what?” Shige demands, becoming really annoyed at Ryo’s presence all of the sudden. “Don’t say something like that and then not elaborate! Not everyone can read your goddamn mind, you know.”

Yamapi whistles and tries to hide behind Massu, who helpfully pulls Tegoshi and Koyama away from Shige so that they’re not in the line of fire.

“It’s okay,” Koyama says brightly. “Shige is just crabby because the baby is sucking up all of his niceness.”

Right now, Shige wants to strangle Koyama a little.

Ryo leans back and folds his arms. “I really doubt you’ve been with anyone else, Kato.”

Shige gasps along with Koyama. “ _What_?”

“It’s mine, isn’t it?” Ryo asks seriously, his pout becoming stronger. “You probably don’t remember because you were really drunk. We both were. Shit, if I had known…”

It’s a credit to Ryo’s acting skills that Shige is actually searching his memory for any time when this could have possibly happened. Sadly, he drinks a lot, and usually with Ryo and Yamapi, so the likelihood is pretty high.

“I…” Shige starts. “I’m sorry?”

Ryo flails across the room and takes Shige into his arms, eliciting a squeak from the latter because he doesn’t think he’s ever (soberly) been this close to Ryo before. He can smell his cologne and his shampoo and Uchi’s laundry detergent, all of which somehow make him really nauseous and have him escaping from Ryo’s clutches before he gets sick.

Of course, Ryo takes this the wrong way. “Dammit, Kato, I’m willing to stick around when most men would walk away from you!”

Koyama bursts into tears. “Ryo-chan is a good man!”

Tegoshi tiptoes over to the couch and kneels down to address Shige’s belly. “You are loved, Fetus-chan.”

Shige pushes them all away so that he can run to the bathroom and throw up.

*

“This is really ridiculous,” Shige says out loud, but nobody’s listening to him.

“Look at this one, Shige!” Koyama squeals for the fortieth time since they’d entered Ikea. “It’s pink for a little girl!”

“How do you know it will be a girl?” Tegoshi asks curiously, eyeing a rack of stuffed animals.

“Babies born from men are always girls,” Koyama replies.

“He can’t say ‘ass babies’,” Yamapi whispers helpfully.

Shige groans.

“A girl,” Ryo repeats, a stupid cheesy grin forming on his face. “What should we name her, Shige?”

Honestly, Shige liked Ryo better when he did nothing but make fun of him. “Whatever you want,” Shige replies carelessly. “You can name her.”

Ryo bounces a little giddily and Koyama helpfully slips him a baby name book. Together they flip through pages and leave the others to pick out baby furniture. Shige thinks this is a bad idea when Massu wanders towards a very brightly-colored crib with purple stars on gold-stained wood, but luckily Tegoshi reminds him that Fetus-chan is a girl and girls don’t like yellow.

Four hours later, a bunch of flat boxes are being secured to the top of Yamapi’s car, and they head to Ryo’s apartment for an assembling party.

“So when are you moving in?” Ryo asks him.

Shige feels that carting around a nonexistent fetus gives him every right to fake a headache and take a nap while the others do all of the work.

*

When he wakes up, Ryo is in his face. He almost screams, but then Ryo is rubbing his back and it feels a little nice. “I can’t think of any names, Shige.”

“Let Koyama name her then,” Shige mumbles.

“He wants to name her Keiko,” Ryo says with a frown. “I don’t think so.”

“Maybe we should wait until we see her,” Shige suggests. “A name might come to us then.”

Ryo considers this. “That would be okay. In the meantime -” he scoots over and wraps his arms around Shige, causing the latter’s eyes to bulge out of his head. “- is there anything you need?”

“I’m okay,” Shige replies, his heart beating madly at the way Ryo is _spooning_ him.

“Are you sure?” Ryo prods. “I read on the Internet that all of the hormones make you really… _needy_ … and I want you to know that I will give you anything you _need_.”

“Sounds like you’re the _needy_ one,” Shige grumbles. “I’m not in the mood.”

Ryo’s hands slip under Shige’s shirt to trail along his belly, and Shige gasps and shudders. “Liar.”

Traitorous body, Shige thinks. Praying that Ryo’s scent will make him sick again, he lets Ryo gently urge him onto his back and breathes in deeply to initiate his nausea. Unfortunately it’s been awhile since Koyama made him take his pills and Ryo’s scent isn’t exactly bothersome, in fact it’s kind of pleasant as Ryo carefully lies to his side and presses his face into Shige’s neck.

It’s not one of his proudest moments, but the way Ryo treats him like something precious seems to make up for everything else that has happened in the past couple weeks.

Must be the hormones.

*

“If you’re tired, we can stop.”

Shige gasps for air as he looks up at Massu, who is happily jogging in place and not even breaking a sweat. “No, let’s keep going.”

“You shouldn’t overexert yourself,” Massu tells him.

“It’s fine,” Shige insists. The more he exercises, the more likely he is to lose his belly and stop this insanity that he’s actually housing something in there.

Of course, it kind of defeats the purpose when he eats enough for three people at every sitting. Between Massu and Yamapi, he’s going to be a cow.

He’s had to stop using the front entrance to the Johnny’s building because everybody and their mother keeps walking up to congratulate him. Except for Arashi, who are sad that they didn’t think of becoming pregnant first. And Nino keeps eyeing Shige like a jealous girlfriend while Ohno continuously pokes at his belly like he’s trying to get something to grow.

“Fetus-chan,” Tegoshi says to Shige’s stomach one day. “You’re going to be born soon, so we need to have a talk.”

“Soon?” Shige inquires. “Doesn’t it take nine months?”

“Ass babies mature sooner,” Yamapi tells them.

Shige decides not to wonder how Yamapi knows this.

“Everyone loves you very much already,” Tegoshi goes on, petting Shige’s flesh in a way that makes him squirm a little. “But you need to understand that they will love me more. I am much cuter than you will be.”

Shige rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Ryo teases from right next to him. “I was a pretty fucking cute baby.”

“So was Shige,” Koyama chimes in. “Your baby will be doubly-cute!”

Shige makes his Very Unimpressed face that he perfected at two years old.

“I’ve been thinking,” Ryo says quietly, whispering to Shige so that no one else can hear. “We should go to Canada before the baby is born.”

“Canada?” Shige replies. “Why?”

“Shige can’t fly in his condition, Ryo-chan,” Yamapi points out. “You’ll have to wait until after Baby Nishikato is born to get married.”

Shige chokes on his spit. “ _Married_?”

“Way to ruin my proposal, asshole,” Ryo snaps at Yamapi.

Koyama explodes into tears. “Shige’s getting married!”

“Wedding cake is the most delicious,” Massu says to Yamapi, who nods in definite agreement.

From between Shige’s legs, Tegoshi seethes. “We have to stop it,” he hisses to Shige’s stomach. “Stay in there as long as you can so that I can sabotage their plans.”

For once, Shige’s on Tegoshi’s side. Except that he’s too busy sputtering in indignation to speak properly, just blink rapidly at Ryo.

Who kisses him. Hard.

Yamapi whoops and Koyama sobs harder while Shige’s head spins from the ferocity of Ryo’s kiss. Even he has to admit that Ryo’s a damn good kisser, good enough to reduce Shige to a small sliver of reality where all he can do is nod when Ryo asks “will you?” and kiss him some more.

*

On the day that Shige’s ‘due’, he has horrible stomach pains. He knows it’s from all of the extra iron, the vitamins that he most certainly does not need as a _man_ with absolutely no baby housed inside him.

He calls into work and slips in and out of consciousness all day, taking medicine that is probably not mommy-to-be-safe and keeps knocking him out. He dreams of a baby girl with his nose and Ryo’s eyes, dying her hair blonde at sixteen and running away to Osaka with her musician boyfriend that looks scarily like a relative of Yokoyama.

In his sleep, he sends a mail to Ryo. “Her name is Kichi, and we’re not letting her date until she’s twenty.”

*

His head hurts as he starts to roll out of bed only to bump into another person. His brain tells him no, don’t look yet, but curiosity gets the best of him and the liquor from last night is threatening to make a reappearance as he sees Ryo passed out next to him.

Yamapi’s on the other side, but he actually has clothes on.

“I’m never drinking again,” Shige mutters to himself, carefully crawling over Ryo and practically falling to the floor because his knees are still asleep and don’t want to work properly.

In the bathroom, he examines his stomach and declares himself ‘not fat’; however, he’ll have to be careful in the next couple months to prevent any _misunderstandings_ about any added weight from upcoming celebrations and festivities. He mentally adds an extra hundred crunches to his workout regimen and thinks that should do the trick.

That doesn’t stop him from pulling Yamapi’s hoodie over his face and heading down to the drugstore for the morning-after pill, though. Just in case.


End file.
